Break
ups are usually messy. Your book doesn't talk about all of the
tug-of-wars that happen after dissolution. (Getting back together over
and over, trying to be "friends", jealousy when you see them with
someone new, etc.) During this time, it's difficult to know when the
relationship is completely over and it's time to move on. Share with us
your thoughts and experiences on this whole "after the dissolution"
phase. How do you know when it's REALLY over? When do you stop trying to
rekindle the fire? When do you know that you're ready to move on?
Blog entries must be 150 words minimum
I feel like you know when its really over when the other person stops caring for you. You know when you don't have that special connection anymore with them. Also a lot of relationships fad and the two become further away from each other, you really start to see that its never going to work. I believe you need to stop trying to rekindle the fire when your seriously not happy and when you know doing anything to make it work will still not make you happy in the relationship. You shouldn't keep trying when your never going to be happy anyways. Moving on takes time but i think you know when to move on when you can accept that they're happy with someone else and you can be also. Relationships involve two people and accepting that they're happy can just make life a lot easier and makes you more mature.
ReplyDeleteBased of friends relationships that have ended badly the time it takes to dissolve a relationship fully could take months. I have this friend who was with a guy for 4+ years and they were madly in love. Well one day my friend found out she was pregnant and the boyfriend was there for her up until the final trimester when she decided to give the baby up for adoption. When this time hit, they were going through break-ups and get backs until he laid a hand on her (while she was still pregnant, might i add) and she was finished. The whole break-up was messy and she has moved on but he is still contacting her and wanting her to come back to him. She ignores him and he gets hostile. Needless to say, he ex is cray and she will never be in contact or in a relationship with him ever again.
ReplyDeleteOn the other side of the spectrum, i had a friend who was the crazy ex girlfriend. She called him constantly and always asked where he was even after he broke up with her. I think that what personality type you are and if you were unconditionally loved as a child determines how clingy you will be after the break-up.
You know when it is really over when there are two options 1) you are civil acquaintances or 2) when you never speak or see each other again. After one of these two things happen you can slowly move into better friendships and relationships.
I feel like it's really over when the other person stops giving you attention. This actually happened recently, i stopped giving someone my attention, and they finally realized like "oh crap, she's not kidding" and realized that things needed to be changed.
ReplyDeleteI knew I was ready to move on by starting to just except that fact that things wouldn't change between him and I . I personally just started putting myself out there again, and started communicating with other people, and it helped me keep my mind off of the whole situation.
I think that realizing what was going on in the relationship helped me move on, and i realized that I needed to let it go and except that the relationship needed to end.
I think it is really over when you both have put in just as much effort and have both fought to keep the relationship alive. When you get tired of putting all that time and energy in to save it, I think you both realize that it is really over because the spark is just not coming back. There are people who will do anything and be miserable just to keep the one they "truly love". It really depends on the situation and the details of the relationship to decide when it really is over. Sometimes when you get back together it works out, so it never hurts to give it another chance, but only is both want to give it another go around. Then there are times when you just know that it is over. Some people do not like to play games and others do. The ones that like the drama and the games are the ones that keep breaking up and getting back together. At some point, they have to realize that it really is over and that it is for the best.
ReplyDeleteI think each person needs to do what is right for them - I do believe if there are any thoughts of "...WHAT IF..." then you may want to try one more time. It would be unfortunate if you woke up a day, week or month later and asked yourself: "what if we were together?” Now, I am most certainly not asking you to try when there is any type of abuse. But, I would not like to live my life asking myself: "...what if...”
ReplyDeleteHaving the support of friends, family, or whomever you choose to be in “your circle” can help make the decision on what you choose/need to do. Everyone needs the wild friend - the one that tells you lets go out. You also need the friend, that will cry with you and the friend that plays the devil advocate. Sometimes when you are making decisions based on emotions things may not be clear - all of your friends’ different views can help make your choice a little more clear-cut.
What is LOVE? Only you can decide if it is truly love and what price if any you will have to pay.
I think you know when it is really over when you both have to change who you are and have to fight to make things work. If you have to do these things then you are not being true to yourself and to the other person because you are just trying to force something that just is not working anymore so why put each other through all the hassle and struggle just to try and save a sinking ship. If the both of you are always fighting all the time especially over the little things then it would definitely be a time to end it. This one I experienced in my last relationship. She would always find something to get mad at me about and I just couldn't take it anymore. It is really sad when you see people who have broken up with each other multiple times but continue to get back together or they keep finding people who are just like their previous partner and just continue the same old cycle of self torment.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any personal experience with breakups since I have never been in a relationship myself. However, I have had friends go through breakups and have observed, sympathized and helped them get through it. I think since I have a relationship with Jesus Christ, and my friends as well, when someone's partner is pulling them away from Christ, it is time for the relationship to end. And if that continues to happen, there is no chance of getting back together. You must not always completely rely on feelings. Facts about the other person must be evaluated. Why did the breakup happen in the first place? If it is a problem that is likely to continue, don't go down the same road again hoping for different results. The purpose of dating is to find the right person to marry. When you have found out that they are not the one, move on and don't spend all day thinking about them. Now if there is nothing seriously wrong they have done and there is just not the fire there anymore, it is time to evaluate yourself and ask “why am I in this relationship?” If it is for selfish reasons on both ends, I can guarantee it is going to fail every time.
ReplyDeletei dont think that moving on is something that you can force. i think moving on is something that happens naturally and it happens by it self because youre mentally and physically independent again and not constantly thinking and missing your significant other. if youre relationship is not making any progress or helping eachother than it is time to break up and to atleast try to move on. in my past relationship i knew that i needed to move on so i tried to move on for a while and eventually i did. the main part is just to try not to force it.
ReplyDeleteyou know its over when you and your partner try and try over and over again and nothing ever works out. thats when you know its time to find someone new.
ReplyDeleteThe way that I know when to tell that the relationship is over is when you feel like you have to actually try just to be with them. As in you have to try and maintain a conversation or an outing together. Or try to even tolerate each other. In past experiences, I’ve only had one relationship where we wanted to make things work out a second time (which did not due to distance being an issue). The other couple of relationships have taught me to think “if they want to go ahead and end the relationship, then so be it,” since I was never one to go back after the guy. Probably because I’ve always thought of the saying “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it’s meant to be.” But that’s just me.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as a nerd, I believe the end of a relationship is complicated. The end of the "Boyfriend Girlfriend" relationship ends when the couple is no longer emotionally connecting, physically meeting, and no longer consider themselves together. The more general term of just "relationship" will go on for a while after the breakup because it is a label that applies to people you personally know. And since they knew each other they will be just that. People that used to know each other; but nothing more than that.
ReplyDeleteYou have to stop trying to rekindle the fire whenever you feel like your experience in relationships tells you so. There is not one paragraph that I can write that applies to every relationship. It's too complex to summarize. As a couple, sometimes it will take some effort. Couples in a relationship do not magically create the chemistry between them all the time every time. Sometimes it takes some effort. On the other hand if you feel nothing for your special other and have to try 24/7 365 then something is wrong.
You know you're ready to move on when you regain your self-confidence, your charisma, and your personal life. Fix yourself before you reenter into another relationship. If you can go a day without her crossing your mind then you're near being able to seek another relationship.
i think it is really over when you are ready to forgive that person you ended it. It takes time and tones of reflection periods, but in the end if you can honestly say you forgive the person and also yourself for whatever it is that went wrong, then you can truly move on. at the beginning of a break up there are a lot of emotions and hate or even resentment, which causes you to not think clearly, but as time goes on and you feel like your world is not coming to an end and you feel ok with your situation, you realize that you are healing and soon ready to forgive that person. to forgive is to be ok with not having that person in your life and allows you to move on with the hope of a better future.
ReplyDeleteIt really varies on who the person is. Sometimes you know it's officially time to move on because you don't feel that connection anymore, or you randomly just stop talking. Whatever it is or however it happens, you'll realize right away that it's over. When you can finally think about how you feel rather than constantly waiting for the other person to make contact with you, then it's time to move on. Unless it was a bad break up, you'll always have that one day where you and your ex partner talk one more time and then maybe that little fire can be rekindled but when you have a bad break up, that little reconnection is probably a bad idea. When you find yourself in a break up, just take that time to focus on yourself. don't be so eager to move into another relationship. take your time to have fun and enjoy yourself
ReplyDeleteWhen you break up with someone who has been with you for a long time it can be hard to let go. It’s because that person was part of your life for so long, it’s also the fear of starting over with someone else, and the fear of being alone. Knowing that, you wont have anyone to be there to talk to is that hardest part as well.
ReplyDeleteI had one specific ex-boyfriend who continued to treat me bad and cheat on me over and over again, and it told me a long time to realize that I deserve better and how stupid I looked being with. So I finally put my foot down and told him it was over and that I am going to move on and focus on myself. For the longest time he wanted to be friends or “Best Friends”. But I couldn’t do that to myself, I knew that if I truly wanted to move on and be free of this tainted “love” I had to completely keep myself away. I always use the motto “Out of sight out of mind” and it worked for me. It was easier to move on than I thought. I didn’t go through a depression or any of the steps that a breakup process usually takes. That’s how I knew it was officially over, and I was ready to move on.
That’s when I unexpectedly met Timothy who is my recent long term boyfriend. He showed me what true love really is, and how I a woman should be treated in a relationship. One year into our relationship we were both having family issues, and it was affecting our relationship. We broke up for six months we didn’t text, call, or even see each other throughout our breakup. It was a mutual decision and we wanted to give each other growing space. I cried almost every night because I couldn’t believe it was over. The pain of him not being around was unbearable. I hoped that one day would get back together and we eventually did. We both had time to grow in that six months of our break up and now our relationship is as strong as it was before.
I think everybody has a moment when the clouds clear out and you see/feel that things are different. Some relationships aren’t meant to last, you can fight to try to stay close together but in the end it might not work. Nothing is certain in this world not even love, if you feel like you need to fight for it because it’s worth it then go on fight for it, but if you feel like there is nothing there then why fight when you know that there is only one outcome. As humans we have a Fight or flight instinct, it’s up to you to choose which one you want to use. My best friend has always had these relationships where he dated a girl for a year or two and then all of a sudden he ended things. We always had these long talks about it and he always ended up saying I don’t know what happened I just got out of it. He has never fought to keep the fire alive, he always ran away from the problem, and that is what happened to his relationship. I won’t lie I wasn’t the biggest fan of the girlfriend he finally started fighting for but at least he was willing to stop running. After a year of being on-and-off again they finally gave up because it clearly wasn’t working for a reason. Sometimes the fire is out and you can’t save it.
ReplyDeleteIt depends on the situation , not all relationships are the same. I believe it is really over when one of two stops caring for the other. It could start by just being bored of them so you start losing interest and gaining distance from them until you reach a point where you are in a relationship with no love or caring. And even though there is emotion or drive people will stay together because they are so use to one another that it is hard to break up. Some break up and get back together, if this happens and their feeling and emotion revive then it could continue on to build with the relationship. The hard part to know when a relationship is truly over is to spot the differe nce between being just use to that person and and truly care about them.
ReplyDeletethere is alot of different wasy to know its over. in many different situation theres different ways to know. for me and alot of other people if someone cheats on me i will end it right then and there. knowing that you would do something with someone else while being with me is enough evidence that we shouldnt be togther. if its a different reason like its just not feeling right,or were clashing all the timem. then its different.if we decide to keep trying after that to make it work after breaking up, and it still isnt working out no matter how hard we try, thats usually the first clue its time to maybe end it. but if i feel like my heart is still in it then why not keep trying. its when i stop having the will to try and work things out that its time to finally just end things and realize it wasnt ment to be. it might suck to see that person with someone else, but time heals all and you will eventually find someone.
ReplyDeleteI think you know a relationship is over because 1 or both sides stop trying, or doesn’t care to try anymore. Obviously you can try and get back to that honeymoon phase everybody craves but you truly know when a relationship is over when someone just doesn’t care anymore to try. Also when you think you deserve better. When your conscience tries to tell you deserve better, you have to listen to that because even though your heart isn’t listening your brain knows exactly what’s good for you at that moment. I was recently in a relationship where when it was time to break up I wanted to try and keep things going and work hard to maintain what we had. He just didn’t see the need to try anymore and I think that’s when it hit me that he didn’t want to nor did he care to work things out. It’s a sucky feeling but you do move on and you see that it was meant to play out that way.
ReplyDeleteMost people are saying a relationship isn't over until one stops caring, well I beleive a relationship isn't over until you tell yourself it's over. Just because the other person stopped caring doesn't mean you stopped, so the only way to know when it's over is by telling yourself that it's not something you should continue fighting for. I think that's the hardest part is telling yourself that the person you cared for no longer cares for you. Whether it was a recent boyfriend/ girlfriend or friend. Either way the only way to get past it is to remind yourself that you were the one who cared and you were the one who tried. You should know by this time, if the other person stops caring, it's time to tell yourself that it's time to move on. But I think the best way to determine when it's over is when you no longer contact this ex by any means and that's the best way to know it's over.
ReplyDeleteWell I never had a break up like that before to be honest, my ex and I are still best friends but we also didn't last a year so that's probably one reason why. My thoughts about how I know it would be really over is when you guys stop talking and become more distant from each other. Another is when you realize that you just don't want that relationship anymore because you just don't feel the connection or excitement you felt when were with that person in the beginning. Most people stop trying when they notice that all their efforts to keep the fire alive is going to waste, I mean who would want to go through all the pain to keep it alive if you're never getting anything in return...well unless your love type is a mania. Moving on....you never know at times when you're ready to move on, we are all different it may take some of us a month or even 3years it usually all depends on the person. I know for me with my first love that it took me about 2years to truly move on and start doing my own thing.
ReplyDeleteI think that your officially broken up with an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend when you both become busy with other things. Calling and texting become less frequent because you are busy with your friends or you have found ways to keep yourself busy so that you allow yourself to move on. I know with an ex boyfriend we tried to work things out then we decided to just stay friends. We managed to hang out a lot and it wasn't weird but then we started getting involved in other things and our friends became more important. Also once we started dating other people that is when it got complicated because we would say mean comments to each other. Eventually we decided to just wish each other the best of luck and never speak to each other again. Relationships and friends can get very complicated but good communication really helps when you want to keep making yourself happy.
ReplyDeleteI think that a relationship is truly over once you both have tried to make things work out between the both of you over and over again and nothing has changed. If only one partner is putting all the effort in and trying to make the relationship better while the other partner could care less then there is no use in trying to work with yall's relationship because its basically already over. You can tell when a relationship is over when either one of you stops paying attention to one another, stops caring what they are doing, and starts making plans with out them. You can just tell when your relationship is by how the person you were with when you first got together has changed into somebody totally different and the feelings you had for that person have gone away. I honestly don't think that when someone breaks up especially if they were in love with each other that they can stay friends because it never works out in the end. I think that once your in a relationship with somebody and you know how they are, you know when things aren't the same anymore and its time to leave that relationship and move on.
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ReplyDeleteI feel all too familiar with this whole “after the dissolution” phase. This phase of break-up limbo is miserable, awkward and overall just completely confusing. I think a relationship is never “really” over until both partners in the relationship feel closure and clarity about the whole ordeal. Until both people have fully and completed accepted the breakup, neither side can move on. The most logical time to stop trying to rekindle the fire and make things work is when all your attempts to resolve things aren’t working. After so many fights and breakups, both people need to realize it’s best just to move on. A friend of mine once said, “If you are spending more time working on your relationship than you are just actually enjoying being in one; what’s the point?” Sometimes you just have to know when it’s best to move on. As for myself, I can say all of this and fully believe it but when it comes to applying these ideas to my own relationships, I somehow still always find myself trapped in the “after the dissolution” phase.
There are multiple signs of when a relationship should probably be ended. I think you know when its completely over when there is obviously no effort being put forth to keep a somewhat relationship together. In other words if you or your partner are talking to other people more than they are to you. When you and your partner have tried everything y'all could possibly think of to save what once was before and still cant, then that is a sign that it is time to let go. If there is more desire for another person than your partner then it should also be ended and known.
ReplyDeleteI kinda believe that every relationship's fire has that little pilot light that is only missing the kindling, and you know what I mean. As well this little blue flame can never be extinguished, for it is the potential for a relationship to start or start again. This is exclusive; I almost feel sure that any relationship has a certain probability of certainly running back on track if it de-rails. Or when it de-rails.
ReplyDeleteTake an example: when Christopher Robin returns to the normal world from his story book, pooh has to realize he shall return and more of their conflict resulting adventures shall return. Appreciating how well pooh as kept empty honey jars on his shelfs, we can compare. I believe every relationship's ending is the feeling of loath/wrath pooh feels as he realizes he cannot get more honey without risk of bee-sting.