Your Final Dos and Don'ts! Blog #12 Due May 7th

Dr. John Gottman is a Professor of Psychology and Co-Founder of the Gottman Institute.  As a psychologist and one of the world's leading researchers in the field of marriage and couples, his research has enabled him to predict, with over 90% accuracy, when observing a 5-minute conflict conversation, which couples will stay together and which will separate.  Watch the following video on the 4 behaviors that predict whether a couple will stay together or separate.

 Four Patterns That Predict Divorce

Next, read Dr. Gottman's tips for couples who want to stay together. 

 

Dr. John Gottman’s Top Relationship Tips  

Seek help early.
The average couple waits 6 years before seeking help for relationship problems. (And keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first 7 years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long. 

Edit yourself.
The happiest couples avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics. 

Soften your "start up." 

Arguments often "start up" because one partner escalates the conflict by making a critical or contemptuous remark. Bringing up problems gently and without blame works much better. 

Accept influence from your partner.  

In studying heterosexual marriages, we found that a relationship succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. For instance, a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready." Her husband then replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them." As you might guess, this guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial - because research shows that women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men.  A true partnership only occurs when a husband can do the same thing. 

Have high standards. 

Happy couples have high standards for each other. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. Low levels of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship equals a happier couple down the road. 

Learn to repair and exit the argument. 

Happy couples have learned how to exit an argument, or how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Examples of repair attempts: using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("We'll tackle this problem together"); backing down (in relationships, as in the martial art Aikido, you often have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm. 

Focus on the bright side. 

In a happy relationships, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot" as opposed to "We never have any fun." A good relationship must have a rich climate of positivity. Make regular deposits to your emotional bank accounts!  

Your Final blog has 2 parts:

1) Tell us which negative pattern of behavior according to Dr. Gottman- Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling is the most toxic to a relationship and WHY.

2) Tell us which of the 7 tips above is the most important in repairing a relationship and staying together.  Briefly explain your stance.

Entries need to be at least 150 words to count. 

Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater Blog #11 Due April 30th

Like most of our behaviors, infidelity is not intentional, but, for the most part, it is situationally driven.

When placed in the right situation (or wrong situation, in this case), our emotions can prompt us to act in ways which are counter to our beliefs. Please note that some of the factors listed below are drawn from Buss and Shackelford's work on infidelity.

What high risk factors influence an individual's willingness to cheat?

Attractiveness

All things being equal, an individual’s attractiveness influences how likely he or she is to cheat. Attraction comes in many different forms – it is influenced by one’s physical appearance, one’s social skills, and one’s tangible resources (money). The more one is in demand, the more likely one is to cheat. People, who have higher incomes, more education, and successful careers, are more likely to cheat than people who are less successful. And physical attractiveness also plays an important role.

Opportunity

Again, all things being equal, the more individual free time people have the more likely they are to cheat. Couples who have separate social lives, friends, careers, travel plans, and so on are much more likely to cheat than couples who spend most of their time together. The more opportunity people have to cheat, the greater the odds that cheating will occur.

Risk Taking

People who like to take risks or have a sense of adventure are more likely to cheat than people who are more fearful or timid by nature. And there is most likely a genetic component involved in risk-taking behavior - some people may be predisposed to taking risks.

Sexual Desire

Sexual desire varies from person to person. Some people have a very high sex drive while other people are much less concerned or interested in sex. And people with a high, rather than low, sex drive are more likely to cheat. Again, sexual desire appears to be influenced by genetic factors. Some people are inherently more easily aroused and driven by their desire for sex than other people. People who have multiple affairs are often addicted to the novelty and excitement which infidelity can provide.  Men, more so than women, also tend to have a higher sex drive and are more likely to cheat.

Attitude Toward Love and Romance/Attachment and Love Styles

Some people view love and romance as a sacred bond between two individuals. Other people see love as a game, where the goal is to manipulate another individual and gain emotional power over a partner (ludus). People who view love as a game are much more likely to have multiple love interests; cheating is just another way to gain control over one's spouse. Also, people with a dismissive style of attachment, are more likely to cheat.

Relational Problems

As problems emerge in a relationship, people are more likely to cheat. Infidelity is more common in relationships where people feel misunderstood, under appreciated and where fighting and bickering is common.

Sense of Entitlement

Some people, due to their position in society, their beliefs about gender roles, or their cultural upbringing, believe that it is their right to cheat on their partners. In other words, some people believe that cheating is a privilege to which they are entitled. Such individuals, philanders, often engage in infidelity with little guilt or remorse.

Which of the 7 risk factors do you think has the largest influence on whether someone cheats and the increase in infidelity among young people today?  Why? Give us an example if you know of one.   Lastly, what can one do to "cheat proof" their relationship?

* Entries must be a minimum of 150 words.

Are We Done Yet? Blog #10 Due April 23rd

Break ups are usually messy. Your book doesn't talk about all of the tug-of-wars that happen after dissolution. (Getting back together over and over, trying to be "friends", jealousy when you see them with someone new, etc.) During this time, it's difficult to know when the relationship is completely over and it's time to move on. Share with us your thoughts and experiences on this whole "after the dissolution" phase. How do you know when it's REALLY over? When do you stop trying to rekindle the fire? When do you know that you're ready to move on?

Blog entries must be 150 words minimum

Maybe It's Me? Blog 9 Due April 16th

 








Love is Not Abuse, a program of our founding sponsor Liz Claiborne, has revealed the findings of their recent study of dating abuse among college students. The results? Dating violence and abuse among college students is more prevalent on college campuses than previously believed.

According to the findings, a significant number of college women are victims of dating violence.

• 43% of dating college women report experiencing abusive dating behaviors including physical, sexual, tech, verbal or controlling abuse.
• Nearly 1 in 3 (29%) college women say they have been in an abusive dating relationship.
• More than half (57%) of college students who report experiencing dating violence said it occurred in college.

Young adult dating violence is a big problem, affecting youth in every community across the nation.

• Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year.
• One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence.
• One quarter of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse.
• Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence -- almost triple the national average.
• Violent behavior typically begins between the ages of 12 and 18
• Violent relationships in adolescence can have serious ramifications by putting the victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence.
• Half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape, attempt suicide compared to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys. 

While many of the controlling behaviors overlap between high school and college students, other behaviors are specific to college students. For example, 11% of respondents were prevented from going to study groups, 8% were told whether to live on or off campus and 7% were told exactly which classes to take.

While many of us know that abuse is wrong, how many of us may be doing it and not even realizing that our actions are borderline abusive?  Take the "Am I a good partner?" quiz and find out if maybe you're the problem in your relationships.  The quiz is from the Loveisrespect.org website that also has a lot of great information on how to tell if a relationship is abusive or healthy, and resources on improving your communication.

Am I a good partner? Quiz

Blog why you think dating violence and abuse among young adults is on the rise.   

* Blog entries need to be at least 150 words long for credit.    
 

Which Do You Prefer- High Tech, Low Tech, or No Tech? Blog 8 Due April 9th

Researchers looking at the impact of Facebook on relationships among college students found that the use of Facebook increased jealousy between friends and those in a relationship.  They identified four themes that contributed to increased jealousy.  They are as follows:

- Accessibility of information: Increased info about the interactions of significant others lead to increased monitoring and jealousy for 19.1% of participants

- Relationship jealousy: 16.2% of respondents were explicitly linked to Facebook use contributing to jealousy

- Facebook as an addiction: 10.3% of participants had major difficulty limiting the amount of time he or she looked at his or her partner’s Facebook profile.

- Lack of context: 7.4% of respondents referenced how Facebook can be ambiguous and that, without context, jealousy can be spurred over misunderstandings.

Additionally,  university students who faced a sudden Internet and media blackout began to display withdrawal symptoms, during a study conducted by the University of Maryland.  One student said she was "itching like a crackhead" after going cold-turkey for 24 hours, and another student reported feeling "dead" without media, while another student described the whole experience as "sickening."
The students recognized that there are joys in life besides browsing the web and curating their social networks, according to the survey, but all nevertheless reported feeling distress, sadness, boredom or paranoia. "Media is my drug; without it I was lost," said a student. "I am an addict. How could I survive 24 hours without it?" One wrote: "Emptiness overwhelmed me." Another said he "felt incomplete."

How do you think the use of technology has impacted interpersonal communication in the past 5-10 years?  Whether it be cell phones, texting, email, instant messaging, skype, social media, etc., has technology helped or hindered our interpersonal communication with others?  Please support your view with an example.   

* Blog entries need to be at least 150 words long for credit.  

What's Your EQ? Blog #7 Due April 2nd

Dr. Daniel Goleman is the author of  "Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships" and well known and respected for his work on the importance of having emotional and social intelligence vs. academic intelligence.  Watch Dr. Daniel Goleman's video lecture on Emotional and Social Intelligence at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hoo_dIOP8k&feature=related  Take the self-test on emotional intelligence at the following link EQ self-test and then comment on which of the 4 major aspects of emotional intelligence you feel is the most important to living a successful life and why.

1.  Self-Awareness
2.  Self-Management
3.  Social Awareness
4.  Relationship Management

What's Your Language? Blog 6 Due March 26th

With more than 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages has helped couples at every stage of marriage and at pivotal points in their relationships.  After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.  Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Since The 5 Love Languages^® debuted in 1992, over seven million copies have been sold, making The 5 Love Languages^® a perennial New York Times bestseller.
1) Find out what Love Language you speak at : Love Language Test
2) Blog about what Love Language you speak and share with us an example of either how you showed someone you loved them using your "Love Language" or how you knew that someone cared about you by what they said or did through their "Love Language".

Blog #5 Is Love Your Drug? Due March 19th

The Brain in Love Video
Love Addict Test

Watch "The Brain in Love" video and take the self-quizzes at the links above and see what personality type you are and if you are a love addict.  Now that we know that love creates dopamine in the brain similar to many drugs like cocaine and meth, we can now understand how many can become addicted to being in love.

Why do you think some people fall in love and become love addicts while others fall in love but do not?  Do you think that it's a matter of biology? Life scripts? Attachment styles? Self-esteem? Etc.

Blog #4 Chemical Attraction Due 2/26

Dr. Helen Fisher's research on attraction asserts that we are drawn to certain types of people depending on our chemical make-up.  Take Dr. Fisher's test to find out which chemicals are your primary and secondary drivers and then blog about what personality traits you find attractive.  Share with us how accurate you think Dr. Fisher's test is and why or why not.

Dr. Helen Fisher's Personality Test

Blog # 3 Due Tuesday, Feb 19th

Now that we have discussed the basics of communication concepts, we'll start looking at how interpersonal communication affects our love relationships.  Studies show that we have approximately 4 minutes in the initial contact stage to make a good impression.   And based on that first impression, many of us decide whether or not we want to pursue that relationship to the next level or just remain acquaintances. 

Share with us your favorite pick-up lines (funny, serious, cheesy, etc).  What do you think is the best "pick-up" strategy? (Leave a green dangly earring behind? Put your phone number in their phone?)  Let's see what you can come up with!

Blog #2

In a working environment you really get to know your co-workers pretty well. At my last job some of the girls in the front of house department would call in "sick." I always knew it was a lie depending on the weekend and the conversations we would have earlier in the week. Our managers would of course have to break the news to the rest of us that we would be down a person because so and so was really sick when they spoke over the phone. One girl specifically was known to lie to her parents or ditch class and share her stories with us on our down time.  I noticed her body language and laugh would be different when she would tell us about her weekend. When she began calling in and explaining herself the next time we would see her I noticed the same body language, fake laugh, and lack of sympathy. Also she would tend to forget a few days later and really tell us what she did. My perception of her really did change because I thought she was just this really nice person when really she was just immature. I guess maybe it is expected when you're a teenager with no bills to pay for to prioritize partying over making money but it doesn't justify ruining someone else's plans if they were expecting to get out early instead of closing. I'm sure that we have all ruined someone's plans by calling in but when it happens to you, my guess is that you will think twice about doing it to someone else.

EXCUUUSE ME! BLOG # 2 Due Tues 2/12

While most human beings will engage in making some excuses in their lives, the common Ben Franklin saying “He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else,” may be more of a self-fulfilling prophesy for excuse-makers than simply avoidance or laziness. Whether excuses are used to shift blame or improve what other people think, it may be easier for excuse-makers to live with excuses than think about living with having tried at something and failed.

Share with us a time when someone has given you an excuse that you know was a lie. How did you know that it wasn't the truth? What verbal/nonverbal cues were there? How did it affect your perception of  that person?

I'm a shy person and I tend to be the type to curl up. As I've gotten older my responsibilities, needs, and wants have required me to just bite the bullet and do what I need to do to advance in life. When I think back and compare my nonverbal communication at my first job, which was hosting, to how my nonverbal communication is now I notice a big difference. I've learned to fake it. I didn't like talking to customers and I would barely greet people at the door but now I have no problem being social. Nonverbal communication is important because it is the first impression people see of you before they approach you or not. Also, I think remaining calm while doing something that may be unfamiliar and uncomfortable is key to controlling how others will read your body language and facial expressions. If you make a mistake who cares, others watching you do not know what you're doing so it's easy to keep moving forward like it was meant to happen. This can apply to many scenarios outside of a working environment.

Can You Fake It Til You Become It? Blog 1, Due Tues Feb 5th

Good communication is the foundation of successful relationships, both personal and professional. We learned this week how our communication with ourselves (intrapersonal communication) affects the SELF.  So, does our nonverbal communication (facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, posture, etc) also affect how we feel about ourselves?  Recent research has shown that we can actually change our brains by our nonverbals.

Watch the Following TED Video on the Power of Nonverbals

 

Nonverbal Podcast by Amy Cuddy

 

This weekend, purposely change your nonverbals for 2 minutes (positively or negatively) as demonstrated in the above video and blog about the results.

Welcome to Interpersonal Communication Class!

As we explore what makes relationships tick, we will be covering topics such as: listening, friendships, intimate relationships, workplace issues, family dynamics, love, and conflict strategies. You will have several opportunities to reflect on your own relationships and communication style to find ways to improve all facets of your life. As part of this journey together, I will post the latest studies and hot topics related to interpersonal communication on this blog. Your job is to respond with an example to either confirm or disagree with the posting by sharing insights from your own experiences, or one you've found on a TV show, movie, or research. Feel free to comment on others' postings, and also post any interesting (articles, links, videos, books, tweets, jokes, etc.) related to communication and one-on-one relationships. I look forward to blogging with you!

Dr. Karin Wilking
Northwest Vista College